who is this?

sometimes i really don't know what im thinking. i could only just stare at something and ignores all the sounds and other stuff. just hang in there like half dead. im really tired... hungry... thirsty.. exhausted... everything....i only had 1 meal today at the evening.. im really tired.. missing my bed... well... keep feeling bad.. i know im useless in everything... including piano.. im not good in anything... im ugly.. im fat.. you dont have to fake a smile to lie... i understand... tonight piano, i was like. wth? worst? == why the rev even sings when the music not even started yet? because i toughs he is not starting if i play the piano so i start first.. then suddenly he speak of something.. i dont know what.. i think i heard him said i play the wrong piece? so i was shocked.. and stopped. but then he say nothing wrong.. so when i just starting to play my song .. he sings? sigh... P&W even worst.. i thought the song ended... cause the drum stops.. no singing... so i stopped.. who knows the singer suddenly sing.. and then i have to join back.. we plan to sing faster for the 2nd time but i dont think we did it.. we actually did it the way like we're nervous then we suddenly get into our normal speed back.. funny,huh? for the 2nd song the drummer thought i was ready so he hits the drum.. i was just starting to get my scripts... sigh.. why is this happening to me ... im not caring how embarrassing is it, its just.. i dont know how to say.. sometimes i dont really know who i am and what my mind is thinking.. can someone rescue me... rette mich....... im lost can't you see... come and rescue me... only "you"(eventually theres only 5 you which i trusted in my life so talk to me C: but it wont happen to you because i mean nothing to everyone) can set me free... i just wanna say sorry to everyone, you know im tired tonight i dont really know what i talked, and too lazy to think.. i need a rest so ill just say out anything in my mind.. sorry to the P&W worship band... sorry to yue.. sorry to everyone attend the night service.. im really sorry... i will never give up because eileen build me that way... so don't worry.. ill never give up.. i just.. need some time... or anything that helps me... walking into the path of depression.. .. maybe its getting serious? cause i'll always alone at home.. no one to talk to.. im not gonna talk to myself like a mad person.. wondering what to do besides my parents forcing me to study everyday till im going mad...i will study.. dont force.. the more you nag... the more i lazy to do so... parents dont understand how bored studying is.. but im still gonna study because i have my own dream.. so.. dont nag PLEASE... thats why im so eager to go out.... so.. i dont know what to do now.. ... .. S.O.S