发现。

今天很有趣的继任老师一班，就叫我们拿出一张纸，叫我们写下父母的工作.. 父母对我们的期望.. 及我们内心的感想... 本来不想写.. 但发觉越写越多.. 而且还写不完.. 还想继续写下去.. 老师只给一节时间写... 写了之后感觉好像轻松些.. 但不是完全，因该是还没写完的关系。哈哈。发觉原来一直写写写也可以发泄，但如果写不爽，好像闷在里面，更难受。囧。我相信今年我一定会打破一个镜子（我今年的愿望）想尝尝看每次他们做戏酱大过去，手流血，爽及了！一直在等待机会 C:

发现，“你们”不能填满我心里的空虚。所谓的“你们”常常把我冷落，遗忘。我也习惯，所以和这种感觉一起生活，非常舒服。甘愿自己一个人做我自己事情，好过和你们浪费时间。

发现，我好多东西要写，可是不知道从哪里写起。

发现，我miss out alot of stuff.. 看着相片就够，永远永远...也补不会... 我曾经一直自怨，为什么这么迟才出生，想了也累。哥哥姐姐读着中学，我读小学；我读着中学，他们已读完大学 -___- why wei... 或许他们做工结婚，只剩下我在读大学。在家里每天一个人过生活也习惯，不是对这电话，就是对这电脑，好像越来越不会和人沟通... 是好是坏？

发现，我好像永远什么都做不好。永远也不能像别人，或比别人好。我知道我没天分，什么也不是，或在这世界很多余，不知该往哪里走...坏的就该淘汰... 明明我早就明白.... 

发现，有些东西是该放手，可是我偏偏做不到... 太多..太多..

发现，别人说我什么，我不管。别人说你什么，我也不管。我相信，总有天你会回来.. 但我天天想着.. 等你回来.. 如果你已经回来... 事情会变成怎样？我们能像以前那样开心吗？... ... 我真的不知道也不去想... 只希望你会回来.. 我不介意你发生什么事...

发现，别人说我什么，我不管。别人说你什么，我也不管。我会一直当你守护天使.. 在这个世上，我只会当“你们”（不多过十）个人的守护天使。在我生命中，我只相信你们，请你们不要让我失望，不要离开我。我朋友不多，只需你们。不要被判我，不要欺骗我，不要让我觉得多余，不要让我觉得我付出的，永远是多余。我知道我多余，但不要弄我离开，像她一样... 就这么走了... 我非常珍惜一切友情，因为我把我真心融化在内，不想以后才来后悔，因为我不能倒退时间，我已时时感到后悔，不想再更后悔。

发现，我越来越忧郁。哈哈。不知道要继续写什么。今天到一个段落，下次吧！:P

running through my abstract dream its a point of view... 

It's automatic when you say things get better but they never...

can't you hear me i am screamin' from the top of the world..?

dont you see it i am screamin' from the top of the world...?
i'll scream till i'm bleedin' and i will crush into the ceiling.. 
NO you dont know what im feeling...
i'm strange... i'm a creep.. i'm a weirdo... i'm vergessence kinder...

each time when it hurts i just feel so alone...

everyone is watching my arms are so sore.. but i don't care anymore... my memories are long gone...

my first time on the edge... getting closer to the edge... falling from the edge...

the scars will stay forever... side to side with death...

this time feels even better...

my heart is broken.. like the bottles on the floor... well in the end it doesn't really matter...

the sky is casting over...

my last wish stays unsaid... </3

好事不来，恶运连连，承受不了，只好跑去黑暗的角落.... 画圈圈！ *EMO* 有时候也不知道自己在等待什么，挣扎什么，嫉妒什么，心碎什么，失望什么，自怨什么，我什么也不知道像一个白痴一样。只期待你的关心，永远变成失望，只期待你的回复，永远变成等待，只期待多了解你，永远变成心碎，嫉妒。只期待你的陪伴永远变成自怨。只想找你，不知挣扎什么，囧！ 为什么？我真的不知道。我到底在做什么？？？

我是笨蛋！！...

下雨天了怎么办 我好想你 ... 不敢打给你 我找不到原因.. 为什么失眠的声音 变得好熟悉?... 沉默的场景 做你的代替  陪我听雨滴... ... 

期待让人越来越沉迷 ....

也许一切都已太迟？ 也许那根本都不属于我？ 也许我渴望太多？ 也许再也来不及改变一切？... 

我该往哪里走？ 忘记？放弃？放下？不在乎？坚持？等待？希望？怎样的我能让你更想念 ？... 

寂寞的滋味 ... 

 别说我不会难过 ... 
心碎？ 挣扎什么？我也分不清...  

who is this?

sometimes i really don't know what im thinking. i could only just stare at something and ignores all the sounds and other stuff. just hang in there like half dead. im really tired... hungry... thirsty.. exhausted... everything....i only had 1 meal today at the evening.. im really tired.. missing my bed... well... keep feeling bad.. i know im useless in everything... including piano.. im not good in anything... im ugly.. im fat.. you dont have to fake a smile to lie... i understand... tonight piano, i was like. wth? worst? == why the rev even sings when the music not even started yet? because i toughs he is not starting if i play the piano so i start first.. then suddenly he speak of something.. i dont know what.. i think i heard him said i play the wrong piece? so i was shocked.. and stopped. but then he say nothing wrong.. so when i just starting to play my song .. he sings? sigh... P&W even worst.. i thought the song ended... cause the drum stops.. no singing... so i stopped.. who knows the singer suddenly sing.. and then i have to join back.. we plan to sing faster for the 2nd time but i dont think we did it.. we actually did it the way like we're nervous then we suddenly get into our normal speed back.. funny,huh? for the 2nd song the drummer thought i was ready so he hits the drum.. i was just starting to get my scripts... sigh.. why is this happening to me ... im not caring how embarrassing is it, its just.. i dont know how to say.. sometimes i dont really know who i am and what my mind is thinking.. can someone rescue me... rette mich....... im lost can't you see... come and rescue me... only "you"(eventually theres only 5 you which i trusted in my life so talk to me C: but it wont happen to you because i mean nothing to everyone) can set me free... i just wanna say sorry to everyone, you know im tired tonight i dont really know what i talked, and too lazy to think.. i need a rest so ill just say out anything in my mind.. sorry to the P&W worship band... sorry to yue.. sorry to everyone attend the night service.. im really sorry... i will never give up because eileen build me that way... so don't worry.. ill never give up.. i just.. need some time... or anything that helps me... walking into the path of depression.. .. maybe its getting serious? cause i'll always alone at home.. no one to talk to.. im not gonna talk to myself like a mad person.. wondering what to do besides my parents forcing me to study everyday till im going mad...i will study.. dont force.. the more you nag... the more i lazy to do so... parents dont understand how bored studying is.. but im still gonna study because i have my own dream.. so.. dont nag PLEASE... thats why im so eager to go out.... so.. i dont know what to do now.. ... .. S.O.S

hmm....

i dont know what to say... well .. today i have to attend all the sunday service. hoho. morning i play for the P&W and night for all. i always felt bad because im bad in piano. im not a talented and im useless person. i know. everybody is reminding me im weak because nobody trust me to do anything. its kind of big disappointment during the 8am P&W but i think the 10am i played btter. but they're still bad. so hungry because i got no food to eat for today :( i wish i could just leave my house and have my own life.. wishing everybody leave me alone so i dont have to bother so much for everything but i just cant let go. too hard. i saw a description about the horoscope stuff, i dont really believe in it but i guess its true. they say gemini is the hardest to let go of things from their heart. maybe one day ill dissapear from all people when i can't handle it.. for the truth and im sure that.. i dont care what people think about me.. sometimes i just saying that what would they think.. and then i'll felt horrible in me... because thats the way i live in me.. C: the 1 i hate caring me for too much and the 1 i love dont even bother to do so. so sometimes my life really disappoint me somehow. btw,readers, if you understand what im saying im giving you a clap because im mixing everything up so that nobody knows what really actually happen. i know you(readers),you dont care too but just mentioning this and hope the feeling inside me will go but they never did. so i have to bear it. and suffer. and . playing game with my mind. well its a game with no player. nothing much. thats all.

Songs i wanted to learn. by guitar. actually there are alot. but i chooses to learn this few songs first. there are too many i wanted to learn.

1. Humanoid-Tokio Hotel.

2.Break Away-Tokio Hotel

3.义气-张芸京

Added a new 1 to the list-

4.怎么开始忘了-张芸京feat. someone lol.

5.goodnight & goodbye- Jonas Brother

its nice. but i couldnt find the chords for no.1 ,3,4 and 5.tabs will do too. if you are kind,feel free to help me C:~ :( and mostly the songs need electric guitar.. well i'll practise with my acoustic guitar and go church play it using electric guitar C:

oh ya tom kaulitz's pain of love solo guitar. currently i couldnt find anyone playing accurately like him C: tom is irreplaceable <3 tom kaulitz solo pain of love is in my blog's playlist. or you can youtube it. :D

Btw, here are the video that i like for the songs.

click it.

张芸京－义气～　the 1 playing this really rocks. lol love it.

Tokio Hotel- Break Away with tabs~

Nick Jonas from Jonas Brother teaches Goodnight and Goodbye C: i love the plucking :D but i couldnt find the chords so. yeah. :/

You are like a bitter pil.. that i had to take against my will...

你的自信心太强了.. 你也太骄傲.. 做什么都不会想.. 你的性格始终不改..你总觉得你永远是对的，要别人全部听你的... 别人说你改了但我看不出... 也许我看不到.. 也许他们也看不到你另外一面.....或许你们都没发觉，我正在观察每一个人，是黑是白我分得很清楚。 i got to open my eyes to everything.....我了解，我也管不了这么多，我改不了人，也改不了自己。It's okay,是我自己的问题。I know i'm strange... probably a freak or weirdo to you.. i was wondering what the hell am i doing here too...i know i don't belong here.. 我也知道我自己越陷入越深，但我控制不了自己.. It's time to wake up.. stop dreaming jessie.. nobody is gonna care for you forever..you don't deserve to be cared. this ain't your world.. you don't belong here... It's always belong to someone else.. let go everything and give the chances to other people that need it more than you do.... you don't deserve it anyway.. you should be happy that you're lucky to be born... not born to be lucky.. you're clearly know that you are useless.. without any talents.. with ugly looking.. fat .. and stupid..and more.. you don't have the right to judge someone else that everybody think that particular person is good... they can't see it.. they don't trust you.. you can't keep depending on someone who doesn't 肯定you.. because no one ever did 肯定 in you... never ever... 请别再自己欺骗自己．．．

editing songs. nothing much to update. oh ya injection next week T.T im a lil' bit nervous about it. am survey-ing on vegas pro which i download and cracked long time ago. HAHA. C: unexpected power beyond it. still discovering.

我一个人失了魂 清晨哭到夜深.. 一直等 等你听我说我心疼.. 真的好傻好天真.. 当我伤心欲绝 你不会在我身边.. 当我面对再大的风雨 我也不能像个孩子躺在你怀里... ..

我这几天的心都在想去MFF. 哈哈哈哈哈哈.. :P 今天和别天也没什么特别.. 在体育课，我的体重和体高吓了我,我长高了~ XD sit and reach 没想到我比去年跟远... 今年45去年43,拉到痛死我 D: 可我好像是班上最拉到最远的X） haha.... 闷... btw, thankyou its been another bloody monday again C: 我爱张芸京&Tokio Hotel. 所以我把我facebook的名字加了一个jing! XD love~

其实我很怕寂寞，但久而久之也习惯了。被遗忘..被冷漠....感觉几爽一下.. 想笑也笑不出，但只能忘着你离去.. 多希望能变成一颗透明的石头.. 不许等人来发现我.. 人们自动回踩扁我或避开我.我只想说，我不会动，也不会痛...

Her feelings she hide..

Her dreams she can't find..

She's loosing her mind..

She's fallen behind..

She can't find her place..

She's loosing her faith..

She's fallen from grace..

She's all over the place..

haiz -__-

i thought i will stay awake last night.. i wanted to sms you but i fall asleep == just lay down and slept. sigh.i felt very sorry.. -_- i wanted to say sorry to you, if you'd see this. oh well... add oil for your work.... my mouth is pain D:< probably drink not enough water .. and i accidentally bited my lips =_= school tomorrow... :'( i haven done my oral.. my project... everything.... ....... i dont wanna go back school... i just want to study alone... wishing to have 2 jobs in the future... as a pilot and as a photographer or some surdof... i'm always in love with editings and stuff.. and now i love photography too :D and of course i wanted a good camera. wondering when will i get it. Gibson broke my heart yesterday, i thought the least is 4 thousand, who knows ended up 6 thousand. gosh. if sum up with cameras its gonna be like ten thousand. where do i get the money from == i hope the school life is different so that i can focus on the subject i want.. msia is so brainless... -_- wasting every people's life... sigh what can i do..

me, the dumbass

... was feeling stupid after i wrote some stuff and i read it back.... == why am i such a dumbass... and ugly.. and useless...and more.. :l oh well.. in the end it doesnt really matter.. does it?..

saturday.

source code, its a nice movie, though. but i dont really understand the ending, maybe i do, maybe i dont.. its just a ordinary day.... and now i know why.... but i want to say ... 我看得到你们看不到的事实，你们不知道不代表它们不存在，我不是谁我管不了你们，只想劝告你们把你们的眼睛睁大大看人... i understand why some people wanna give up .. what can i do..

请不要这么容易放弃... 虽然我没资格叫你，但也不要这样，好吗？我想帮也帮不到...

a few sentences from a song that always make me think about you

Fort Minor-Where'd you go.. eileen.... Where'd you go? I miss you so... Seems like its been forever.. That you've been gone...

its such a "cold, cold" day....

.. i have no idea what to say.. and its just so buzy this few days.. projects.. homeworks.... i became the first victim of slippery floor... and save everyone saved everyone from falling down again its pleasure to do so because i don't deserve to be better..... but my back hurts....sigh... oh well.. i really wish i can control the times... so that i can choose someday to past faster or someday to become slower... i have too much things to do sometimes in a day... if i can choose some super power of course i wont choose this :P probably choose to have fire or water power.. or some stuff.. need time to think about this hahahaha..... by the way.. it seems like you have forgotten me... :D its okay... i can live without you before.. i can live without you now .. :)

nothing much, just being random again. i know you are buzy :) so i guess i have to live alone again. well i cut myself 5 times last night. i thought there'll be alot of blood, because last time when i only cut once and light, it bleeds alot.. but now i cut 5 because it dont really wanna bleed only a lil =_= oh well. thankyou by the way, its been another bloody monday. C:

有一天我巴你，你不要问我为什么

i really hate you... you never change your attitudes like forever. why. why. why. you think you're the best and the biggest? you aint. you are just a piece of shit to me. stop ordering people to listen to you and keep coming out with some lame ideas. you thought your suggestion is the best... you thought your action is the best... no its not.. you don't get the point because you're such a dumbass.. i wish i can dont hate you. i did try before, but your attitudes is making me sick. if i want to scolded you i think it will never be finish. so forget about it. my unlucky life. i accept it.

nothing much.

saturday and sunday always past so fast? :O mostly i spend this 2 days in church hoho. time sure flies :) sigh i really hate monday... i hate to see shitty people's face in school, again. :( i dont hate study but i wish i can study like overseas, cuz i already know what my ambition is, just focus to those few subject and i dont have to study other unnecessary stuff... its wasting my time.... whatmore next year if they are in BM....... -__- my future is gonna be ruined like this. :( btw, its always hard for me to cheer up at this time... school is tomorrow is always up on my mind...

:) Tokio Hotel Love & Death.. this is the humanoid city live version... its nice.. so as the original version... listen :) i love the version of this in front ... and everything... just love tokio hotel.. XD they're so hawt, sexy, and handsome and pretty :P OMG. hahaha. pretty? no you didnt heard wrong. lots of people described bill as prettyyyy XD

i wanna make my blog alive but im lazy to add photo and videos and links. maybe not tonight -_-

i really hope that i can be as good as tom :/ and yun jing~ they're so good in guitar.... sigh.... im such a newbie -__- and i wanna learn drum.... and bass... the all 4 so that i can join the praise and worship... was hoping for a chance.. hah...

I bleed it out digging deeper just to throw it away. :) i love to watch myself bleed. i dont know why. haha. playing with my own blood since fun to me. :P i think i should just forget about the previous story i wanna write. just start writting new things. hoho if i write about the things about the time unactive its too much -___-

:D

你在左 我就在右.. 你存在的地方 我就想消失.. 只是这次我没得选，只好给你面子，但我保证不会有下一次。 也不是什么，只是你的性格让我很想给你一把给你死 -_- 请不要在逼我，我曾经原谅过你，但你还死性不改。所以只好这样，请你离我越远越好。谢谢。 :D

i wish i have more time, so that i can observe people in blogs now. haha. note that i dont stalk, i only observe. :D having serious tokio hotel fever and zhang yun jing's. C:

sometimes i wish to be left alone, because i don't suit your world.. i wish i could dissapear in to my own world.... btw. just gonna make my blog active... theres too much to write so i lazy update :O oh well ill just make it as active as possible..

random post~

theres alot of thing i wanna write but i dont know where to start~ ..... too much feelings hide in me and i need time... :)